Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL
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Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
Everyone’s a badass until Mufasa dies.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
Welcome to our chain hotel, breakfast is served from three in the morning until two minutes after you first start feeling hungry
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
me adding lol on a serious message
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Autocorrect changed swab to swan and now my covid test is way more complicated. And dangerous.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
Sometimes a man has needs that can’t be fulfilled in the home.
[goes to animal shelter and pets all the cats]
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
guys in 2000’s: i want my pant legs as wide as possible.
guys now: please spray paint jeans onto me.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.