Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It is so fuckin funny that theres a mustache you cant have. Theres a forbidden kind of mustache

My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story

Please don’t cry

Seeing your tears makes me have to pee

If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him

[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.

I was an only child but still refer to myself as the good-looking one.

First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

The cycle continues

so i’m at the stock market right

No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ve got 5 more rounds in the chamber. You’ll get that moon eventually. He’ll pay for what he did.

A haunted house but for your spouse and lurking behind every corner is a larger and larger Amazon box.

normal people kissing:

•sensual
•butterflies in ur stomach
•ur the only two people in the world

people with glasses kissing:

•clink
•clank
•ok lets take them off
•wait where’d u go
•u feel cold
•oh that’s a lamp

If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.

He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked

[Kanye at pharmacy]

*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*

No one man should have all that powder!

If dog hair were a commodity, I’d be tweeting this from my yacht.

Pretty sure the best place to hide a dead body is in a tab you opened in a new window to read later.

Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?

I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv

not feeling fergalicious today, actually feeling pretty fergasgusting rn

[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..

ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help

“I would’ve gotten away with it, too, if it wasn’t for you meddling bondage enthusiasts!”

Seagulls are when the sea clenches its pelvic floor

“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….

I couldn’t take Breaking Bad seriously bc Walter White looked like Ned Flanders.

Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.

Netflix: are you still watching?

Me: yes

Hulu: still there?

Me: yes

Phone: ring ring

Me: no