[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
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The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
IKEA is Swedish for “divorce labyrinth.”
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.
Before you ask for my help, you should know I don’t even measure when I cook.
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
2020: Your package is on the way. It will arrive between Monday and Thursday of 2021.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.
Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
My purse is deeper than some people.