Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

911: what’s your emergency?

me: there’s a really loud fight next door

911: we’ll send a narcissist with anger issues and a gun

me: omg thank you

“Should we take the kayak or just walk out to the sandbar?” -Row versus wade.

[travels back in time]

[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]

I think my girlfriend’s a secret drug dealer–
I just answered her phone, and this man said “is that dope still there?”

(what they said)
Please do not bring any alcohol on the plane.

(what I heard)
Please chug all alcohol & slap somebody before boarding.

My 4 year old asked if she could put makeup on me. I asked jokingly if she was going to “make me pretty,” to which she responded, dead serious, “you’re ALWAYS pretty, Mommy.” So I need to know where to get this child a unicorn do they have those on Amazon?

pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.

me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*

[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me

If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.

I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

People keep coming to me for advice like they forget that back in the day I turned down a bitcoin to repair someones computer for them and did it for a few beers instead.

*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*

When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.

date: do you like a little danger?

me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me

COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”

6yo: I wish I was a bird so I could poop on people’s heads.

7yo: Why do you need to be a bird?

I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.

Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.

JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004

After I use the restroom, I thoughtfully put the seat back down and also close the lid and place a heavy object on top to contain any intruding snakes.

*Standing in my shower*

I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.

“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.

her: I’m bored

me: let me take you out and show you a good time

her: ok

[later]
me: *walking past a bar* look, everyone in there’s having fun

her: I see

[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read

Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.