Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question

My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.

Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.

I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud

“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”

– Airbnb owners, probably

You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash

Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress

dr: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

dr: so how often is that?

me: *turning to 12* when were you born?

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..

You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.

My son’s voicemails from camp sound like Civil War updates:

“Hi mother. I’m in charge of taking everyone down Salt Creek in canoes. It’s been pouring for days and our tents are soaking. Morale is low. I love you.”

My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.

PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.

[at a restaurant]

me: i think i misread your tinder bio

squirtle: squirtle.

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon

Doctor: Are you sexually active?

Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!

Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?

Me: All the time

I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”

*drinks beer from my glass slipper*

I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial

Greeting card

[cover] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

[inside] Sorry to hear about your Alzheimer’s

Doctor: We’re going to perform open heart surgery on you.

Me: Oh no…my feels will escape!

This made me chuckle.

My husband suggested that we go to the pub separately to relive our first date.
So he walked over to me at the bar and asked “Hi gorgeous, can I buy you a drink?”
I replied “Get lost, I’m not falling for that again”.

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

just walked into a wine tasting w my friends and announced “these are my taste buds” and not one person hi fived me

(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?

Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.