Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant

me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?

court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here

me: h—

bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in

Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.

hello darkness my old friend
why are you here it’s 6:00 pm

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours

[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies

Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅

“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”

My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.

The cute barista at my favourite coffee place has been flirting with me for about 6 months now.

In another 6 months I’m hopeful I’ll work up the confidence to tell them they misheard my name 6 months ago and I’ve been too awkward to say anything

Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas

brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]

*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come

Ratatouille me.
Sit on my head and pull my hair.

*buys a new treat for my dog*

*dog refuses to eat*

Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one

My teenage children choosing violence

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.

So what do you do for a living?

“I’m in the Secret Service”

Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you

*rearranges underwear drawer*

Neighbor: the party’s downstairs. Please get out of my room

girls don’t even dress up for Halloween, they just put a black outfit and choose between devil horns or cat ears

Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.

Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.

*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again

respond to every april fools joke by staring the person directly in the eye and saying “yes, that truly was a fool’s joke”

HIM: I eat guys like you for breakfast.
ME: I don’t underst—it’s 2:15, you can’t have breakfast now.
HIM: No, like, I’m threatening you.
ME: For tomorrow?

Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?

Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want

Nothing more awkward than not calling a girl back after a one night stand and then running into her at your family reunion.

Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.