@jonnysun

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old

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@JasonBerlin

Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.

@unmehlievable

[Airport Departures]

We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents

Me: Even if I pay extra?

@clichedout

nurse: height

me: 6’4″

nurse: weight

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me:

nurse:

me: wait for what

@ThugRaccoons

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

@LostFelicia

Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.

@Manda_like_wine

Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.

@notalogin

PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine

ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny

PHYSICIST: Not that many

@JIMBOSWELT

Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.

@TheBoydP

I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently