Seems like ladies hate being asked how their Thanksgiving was, no matter how playfully I pat their stomachs.
me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
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We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
me: wait for what
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Whenever you’re having a bad day, think of the guy who has to put the circus tent back in its bag.
PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
I can eat anything in the house unless it was specifically bought for my wife but the only way to know it’s for her is to eat it. Apparently