me: helo darkness my old friend
darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old
You Might Also Like
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
“Ooh January’s been going on so long, when will it end?” Well now it has and what have we got? February. Well done you idiots
Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.
Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
“Awwww, that is so sweet! I think you’re outstanding too!”
me, to the collection agency
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..