Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My rap name is When i$ Lunch

I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!

“What that moth do?”

– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode

Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.

Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help

i know it’s been said a billion times but literally everything about Brendan Fraser is fantastic

My bro was laid off from his job as an art director for one of the largest high end retail stores in the nation. I mean, totally sucks for him, but with the job is the loss of his 33% discount. I’m sure you can understand that this is a very difficult time of mourning for me.

I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.

You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.

lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy

me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes

lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died

Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine

GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.

ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?

HER: Yes. Yes it is.

Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?

Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.

“Dude, do you NOT know what a collar on the doorknob means?”

“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”

Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”

Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird

Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face

Me: I’m hot.

Husband: *turns on AC*

Me: I’m cold.

H: *turns off AC*

Me: I’m hot.

H: *jumps out of car*

The Carpenters: Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: Those aren’t birds. They’re giant blood sucking mosquitos.

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.

thought I was all good when my doctor said i was healthy as a horse; turns out he was referring to one specific horse, ‘Sick Matthew’

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!

Me: It was getting freezer-burned.

W: I just bought it today!

Me: Crazy freezer.

A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive