Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned

VET: This is a dog

sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.

[breaking up with a guy]

Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.

For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice

Nobody:

Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.

I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.

[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho

“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers

[Stick Insects Anonymous]

Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”

got too drunk in the vietnamese restaurant last night, they said i can never go back. they banh mi

When you set up a LAN for an 8 yr old kid’s birthday party at and then they ask you to play

Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?

Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back

A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me

[March 15]
Brutus: Going 2 the senate?
Caesar: yeah u?
Brutus: yep it’ll be killer
Caesar: how so?
Brutus: like cool u know rad senate stuff

NATURE DOCUMENTARY NARRATOR: After the python has consumed a huge meal, it’s reduced mobility can leave it open to predation.

ME: It’s fullnerable.

WIFE: Get out.

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you

Me: Noice.

Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.

Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.

Convicted of murdering the English language, he was sentenced to death by elocution.

“Got anything we can actually dance to mate?”

I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.

Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite

my cartoon in the New Yorker this week