Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry boys, but you will never get into these pants. I barely get into these pants. These are very tight pants.

I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie

I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up

ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working

GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure

Sorry but they’re not fajitas unless they come from the fajita region of the restaurant

“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.

My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁

😂😂

Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.

Fun tip:

Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.

*thumbs up*

*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER

5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?

Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it

5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?

Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover

“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”

~me, as a marriage counselor

Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.

I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.

Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.

i lied there’s no sex. stand over there and tell me if this painting im hanging is straight

[During sex]

Me: * ˢᶦᵍʰʰʰ*

Him: Ok… Wanna role play?

Me: Sure, you’re a musician

Him: Oooh! Which one?!

Me: Bono

Him: Why Bono?

Me: You still haven’t found what you’re looking for.

every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991

*joins Buddhist monastery*
*withstands 21 years of brutal kung-fu training*
So, vending machine that didn’t drop my funyuns. We meet again.

Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

That’s great about your engagement, promotion and new car.
I grabbed the EXACT amount of hangers I needed to put away laundry.
Samsies!

I’m “by the time I find a gif, the conversation topic has changed” awkward in dm groups.

I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me

j o i m p

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

Friend: Are you free this weekend?

Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse