Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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before meds: *hates everything*
after meds: *feels good about hating everything*
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.
Interviewer: How do you define success?
Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I’m in my 40s and know all the right mauves.
~ Me, flirting
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.