@LindaInDisguise

Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.

911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?

Me: No. Pizza.

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@VisionBored1

Son: Mommy we’re playing with bonks!

Me: Don’t you mean books?

Son: *bonks brother on the head with a book* No

@Chhapiness

Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*

@Bill_Nye_Tho__

there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now

@TheTweetOfGod

Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.

@NewDadNotes

Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.

Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.

Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.

Aquaman: but-

Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.

@wickedsuga

Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.

@petemandik

i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone

@UncleBob56

Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.