Son: Mommy we’re playing with bonks!
Me: Don’t you mean books?
Son: *bonks brother on the head with a book* No
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
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I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
Look, if all you have is candy corn in this van, I’m going to have to get out.
literally losing my entire damn mind over this.
i got blood on my iphone the other day and before i could wipe it off siri made a slurpy noise and it was gone
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.