Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m having an out of money experience.

New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.

Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.

If my trainee says “on God” one more time, he’s going to meet him

Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?

Kudos to the person who invented denim pants.

They were a jeanious.

Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.

Children of the corn 🌽

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.

My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA

Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.

*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*

The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.

Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?

May the fourth be with you and if you’re married, may the back and forth be with you

Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)

Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!

My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.

“How does Dracula get his hair so perfect without a mirror? Oh questions about the job? No I’m good.”

Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.

Me: I miss you.

My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.

Me: No, I just miss —

My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.

[gynecologist making small talk during an exam]

DOCTOR: So you’re in the military?

HER: Yes

DOCTOR: Well thank you for your cervix

I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.

Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.