Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

Thrilled that my 5YO started reading chapter books.

Terrified that she’ll find out the words, pages and chapters I skipped during bedtime routine

Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.

A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

“It’s been a bit of a day”

Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”

Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.

My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.

If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

[at checkout counter]

Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no

Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?

Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨

*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

My iPhone won’t even recognize my fingerprint unless it’s got crumbs on it.

Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.

Think about it – every single corpse on Mt. Everest was once a highly motivated person.

Stay lazy my friends.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles

Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.

Me: How much for the snake hamster?

Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret

Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]

6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?

It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist

Sex at 20: yes baby rearrange my guts

Sex at 40: be careful my gut is still a little bloated from all those bread sticks

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.

My child: mom! Stop saying you’re old!

Also my child: please don’t break a hip on your run today. You fall down very easily.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.