me: help i’m being murdered
911: sounds like you’re tattling
me: what
murderer: it does sound like you’re tattling
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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Responding to an email with a question that was literally answered in the previous email should be reason enough to report someone to HR
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
It’s finally mandatory for people to stay 6 feet away from me.
Pancakes are just crepes who let themselves go after college.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still
[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ROBBER: ok
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
when the buffet is more honest than your date
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
Me: first, I wish for you to not judge me
Genie: okay
Me: second, I wish Disney would make another Tarzan sequel
Genie: k…
Me: third, I wish we were at McDonald’s
[McDonald’s]
Me: we’ll have 2 Tarzan Banana McFlurrys please 🙂
Genie: *trying so hard to not look pissed*
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..