me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
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Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
The interview was going great until my puppet started screaming
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
watching gymnastics
Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
Help your friends with their diet, replace the light in the fridge with a airhorn.
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
You know what’s better than therapy? Nothing. Go to therapy.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
We’ve now reached the match the lid to the storage container portion of this year’s Thanksgiving feast
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[suspecting Kyle is a werewolf] ME: Ive laid out all the good silverware for us tonight
K: Its chips & salsa
M: Aaand? *stabs chip w/ fork*
going to the ER y’all need anything
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies