Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.

Trust that the Hallmark Channel filmed three whole Christmas movies during the 10 minutes it was snowing in Burbank.

do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus

New friend- What do you do for a living?

Me- Disappoint my family.

**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**

TRICERATOPS: I have three horns

QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

What idiot called them “cannibals” and not “humanitarians”?

My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys

I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa

*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*

[On a Ferris wheel]

Him *kisses her* this is so perfect!

Her *kisses him back* and so romantic!

Me: It’s weird these things have 3 seats

I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.

*Weird bird sound in the distance*

4 year old: “what’s that ?”

Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”

4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation

judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?

me: I do

[at a party]

Host: may I take your coat?

Me: nah I’ll be needing that in about 10 minutes

I didn’t realize how many of the songs on my iPod are about sex and drugs until I hit “shuffle” in a car with a 12-year-old in it.

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything

Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked

Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”

Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.

Ideas for getting more exercise:

– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle

If I meet you for a date and you don’t look anything like your pic, you’re buying drinks for me until you do.

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.