Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]

I don’t care if you have a date you can’t borrow the good porcupine.

I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.

EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.

This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭

This year I’m gonna get healthy and start dating and find a husband and shit rainbows and ride a unicorn. It’s good to have goals.

My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE

Me: *gives her a little bit*

My Dog: I have diarrhea

I assume you left your plate on the counter right after I left the kitchen spotless because you were in a hurry TO FIND A NEW PLACE TO LIVE

[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy

Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase

Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product

The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.

*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*

i love re-reading my favorite book

“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.

Narrator: she would never find it again.

sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.

🎶we are never ever ever getting back together

– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine

I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday

ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

The babysitter allowed our 4 year old to design 11 Boeing airliners today

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

When you’ve simply given up.