Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.

Navy: (subtweets)

Army: (helicoptertweets)

[blind date]

her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something

me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship

her: ah there it is

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

me: where’s the harm? It’s just a little treat

my bank account: you said the same thing 100 little treats ago

[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”

A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:

She has her umbrella.
She has her period.

When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again

drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?

I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:

– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from

I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.

I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”

I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.

I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.

Friend: Well, the more you know-

Me: The sadder you’ll feel

Friend:

Me: Is that not the phrase?

Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong

Me: *crying* Well the more you know

“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me

Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.

I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.

I don’t eat fast food anymore, but I’ve learned that if you pull in the drive-thru and tell them they forgot to give you napkins, they’ll hook you up, no questions asked.

4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.

I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.

Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option

I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.

Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!

I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.

Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.