Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*

Pretty fly for a white guy.

Him: How would you describe yourself?

Me: Face of an angel, body of a marshmallow and the mouth of a sailor.

Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.

“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”

adobe: i see you wish to draw a circle. let’s use 87% of your available memory for that

microsoft: i see you are using 87% of your available memory. let’s download a massive mystery update

*Lady gives balloon to my son*
ME: What do u say?
SON: I WILL CRUSH MY ENEMIES
ME: *nervous laughter* No, the other thing
SON: Oh. Thank you

which department at your work thinks they know everything but constantly screws things up and why is I.T.

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship

I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.

Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’

Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’

Cashier: ‘Eh?’

My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.

Hey kids, please don’t wash the 13 glasses you’ve already left in the sink. Just grab a clean one next time you’re thirsty.

*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*

*Buys Magic 8 Ball*

*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.

Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends

Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-

[10 minutes later]

Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE

Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?

[fills dirty pan with water] I’m just gonna let this soak for an hour or 6 years.

-husbands everywhere

You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”

“Why can’t I just eat the wax?”

~me, when I can’t open the cheese

I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.

i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”

Me: Loving this juice cleanse.

Wife: That’s sangria.

God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

There are three stages in a woman’s life.
1. Pampers
2. Always
3. Depends