Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.

I would never raise a hand to my children, but I do occasionally gift them an exploding cigar to evidence displeasure.

It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.

there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.

I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.

Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….

The monsters under my bed used to threaten to eat me but now they just whisper something stupid I did 12 years ago.

Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?

Me: Yes

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

I hate when that happens.

[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.

An octopus approaches his arch enemy the cat with a gun in each arm. He hears a soft chuckle: “You’re one short, my friend.”

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

*rubs lamp/genie appears*

*makes me listen to ads before each wish*

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.

JOB INTERVIEWER: it says here ur a postmodern deconstructivist…?
ME: did ur parents realy name u ‘Job’? especialy with a last name like urs?

Do they charge extra if you want to get a tattoo of an avocado?

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY

First day of the week: brad pitt

Last day of the week: homeless druggie

Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?

Me: Well, we have a problem.

Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.

Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.

When life hands you lemons, help me throw them at the kids on my lawn.

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.

*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*

Two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving. Better start defrosting the beaver.

*bites a radioactive spider
*spider starts tweeting 18 hours a day