me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t
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John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
Sadiq’s joke in today’s Time Out 👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Wife: You’re really on a roll today.
Me: : *wearing croissants as slippers* Please leave the dad jokes to me.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.
[leading my blindfolded boyfriend through my messy apartment] isn’t this exciting babe?
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”