Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

“You will not marry him! He is not of our kind!”

But we’re in love!

“It is forbidden!”

*whale elopes with submarine*

Sometimes, when I’m on a date with my wife of sixteen years, I break awkward silences by saying first date things like “so, I’ve never dated a mom before”

[party city]

employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?

me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome

ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.

HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?

ME: *lifts visor* Just me.

Worlds greatest photobomb

Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.

I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.

I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.

Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*

Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister

[during sex]

Him: punish me baby

Me: OK *hides the TV remote*

Him: that’s not what i m—

Me: *puts on a playlist of his favorite band but it’s all their new stuff*

Him: omg please, stop

Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask

ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged

Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?

JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back

3.

The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.

Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”

My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red

WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers

ME:

WIFE:

ME:

WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.

My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”

Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting

Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!

If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…

What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?

This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀

professor x: what’s ur superpower

me: hindsight

professor x: that won’t help us

me: yes i see that now