Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*gets coronavirus* but that’s impossible i have toilet paper

My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome

Marriage is saying “they’re both the same” while secretly knowing that one bowl of ice cream is slightly better than the other bowl of ice cream

[1st date]

Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]

Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”

Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”

If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.

They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!

-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale

When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America

hello I’m britain’s greatest spy and my catchphrase is I tell you my real surname then my real forename then my real surname again in case you missed it

How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.

Somewhere, a real Nigerian prince is sitting at his computer wondering, “Why oh why does nobody reply to my emails?”

help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”

Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.

If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.

Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.

Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”

3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.

It’s 5050.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.

17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*

Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*

7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!

Me: suddenly now you can do math

How many? 🤔

A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”

One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me

My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.

Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body

Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.

I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.

Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.

You were the one.