Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.

6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.

Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”

Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.

Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.

Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME

ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth

Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.

You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.

If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?

My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.

Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.

She’s right about both.

Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together

Psychiatrist: “Maybe you should be seeing a therapist.”

Me: “You sure like spending my money, don’t you?”

Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?

Me: Apples!

*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*

As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.

Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.

Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.

OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.

The attic in my garage that has been sealed shut for 3 years is mysteriously open and omg I have to move now.

only targaryens can ride dragons?

explain this game of thrones

Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?

Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.

After a week of helping the kids doing online learning we have decided that math is really not a necessarily life skill

“Don’t turn on the news”

Me as a therapist

my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

Caught my son chewing on electrical wires so, I grounded him.

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly…

Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.

Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.