eighth henchman to go after jackie chan: ok well he’s not going to kick EIGHT of us
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Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale
lost dog
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
One of my friends had a baby today, and another got a puppy. I think we all know which one I’m going to visit.
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
jehovah’s witness: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
me (hates gossip): no
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about idiot teenagers who don’t know the difference between sleeping and dead
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Remember to recycle your pizza boxes
It’s for the Greta good
Girl: So, how many inches is it?
Pat: How many inches is what?
G: You know..
P: Uhhh, about 200 dollars long.
G: OMG, It’s so big!
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods