@Aikiwomannc

Me: *helping friend move furniture* Wow! This weighs a fu ton!

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@kelkulus

I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.

@Goofpoops

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

@QuietPsycho

When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..

@N8Swick

Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.

@WilliamAder

“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body

@AnOrangeSNES

On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit

@UrbanDouchebag

Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.

@JWilsonGA

Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*

@good2go013

How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !