Me: *helping friend move furniture* Wow! This weighs a fu ton!

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I lost my balance on an escalator and fell down the stairs for 2 hours.


Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.


When you’re dead, you have no idea you’re dead. It’s only difficult for other people…..

Much the same as when you’re stupid…..


Imagine how excited Barn Owls were when humans invented barns.


“We’re gonna need more chalk.”
– detective who discovers my body


On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.

Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit


Sometimes it’s nice to feel another body pressed up against your own, even if rigor mortis has already set it.


Wife: Your PMS jokes aren’t funny.
Me: I can’t help it, they just flow out of my mouth.
Wife: …
Me: Fine. No more. Period.
Wife: *eyeroll*


How to tie the strongest knot ever:

1. Put some headphones in your pocket.
2. Wait one minute.

Ta Da !