Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
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My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
If some guy wearing a bulletproof vest mocks you, shoot him in the arms so he can’t take it off, haha who’s laughing now fancy vest guy
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Skeletons are the least impressive monster because almost every other monster is a monster AND a skeleton.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”