Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
You Might Also Like
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
The amount of people I know who have disliked me because someone told them to is staggering. Like dude, give me a chance… I’ll give you a reason. I promise.
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Dads be like, “Picked out the t-shirt I’ll be wearing every weekend for the next 20 years.”
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Snacks are like- Suggested Serving Size: 1/2 Fleeting Thought of Cookie Aroma
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
That’s fair
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
Mom: You can’t have cookies for breakfast!
Me: Why?
Mom: Have something healthy-here, eat these chocolate chip pancakes with syrup instead
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
mumsnet is amazing
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.