Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I FELL ASLEEP AND TOOK A NAP A COUPLE YEARS AGO AND SLEPT THROUGH JAN 6TH. I FELL ASLEEP A COUPLE DAYS AGO AND MISSED TRUMP GETTING SHOT. I JUST TOOK MY FIRST AFTERNOON NAP IN A BIT AND NOW THIS?

(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂

Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind

I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door

creepiest cooking vid i’ve ever seen

Sharks have to keep moving so their creditors can’t find them.

got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions

Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?

Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.

Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.

Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.

Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.

Shout out to everyone who, like me, missed the northern lights for the second time in 2024.

Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop

A kid came up to me in the grocery store just now and loudly proclaimed, “Kale is my power vegetable! What’s your power vegetable?” I tried to come up with an answer but it was clear that I didn’t have one. They said, “It’s OK. I didn’t find my power vegetable until I was 6.”

Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?

I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”

You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”

– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters

My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.

*knocks on morning wood*

Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth

Doctor: “We got your test results back. I’m so sorry–it’s Curiosity.”

Cat: “Oh my god…”

Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long

my son’s smart watch kept calling its emergency contact, me, and when I answered it sounded like a trunk on a highway so I called his dad who said he’s right here, and I heard him ask my son where his watch was, “in my pants pocket” and his dad yelled “the pants in the washer?!”

And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet

~Life

chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all

me: not tonight, my friend

WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break

I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms

I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.

Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit

The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.