Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Watching movies with kids:

If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.

If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”

I whispered back, “bring pizza”

me at 6:45 pm: eh the results tonight can only stress me out. prob just gonna ignore them entirely 🙂

me at 9:45 pm: WHERE ARE THE REST OF THE VOTES FROM MECKLENBURG COUNTY NORTH CAROLINA

I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.

I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.

I don’t think of them as cheap hotels, I think of them as fancy camping.

Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”

ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.

[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”

I’m at the dentist you pervs!

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.

*snowstorm rolls through*

*work closes*

Me: “This is the greatest day of my life!”

*daycare closes*

Me: “I wish I was dead.”

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

Hey people who emphasize words that end in an E by stretching out that E instead of the vowel that *actually* creates the proper emphasis: I hateeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee you.

Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line

I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.

Send bail money.

Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.

the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard

Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.

Her: When I was dancing in my panties?

Me: No…Cooking

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’

Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?

Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…

My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace

Just got a haircut.

Me, sitting down: So shorter all over and

Tiny Asian lady: Oh, shorter? You want shorter today? Not longer?

Absolutely bodied, I may never recover.