Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[asteroid destroys earth]

God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that

as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?

Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.

“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”

me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]

cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?

me: snow storm?

Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.

I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.

-Me, working from home. Alone.

God: you’re a parrot.

Parrot: ok.

God: you can repeat everything you hear.

Parrot: humans are the worst.

God: uh what?

Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.

God:

Parrot:

God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?

Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.

I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

In the United States, plastic flamingos outnumber the real ones.

Another case where fake ones have a leg up.

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

(Watching Planet Earth)

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day

ME: hooray I wanted this

DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies

ME: Oh no why did I want this

“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

A late person is never happier than when the person they’re meeting is later than them

This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest

I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.

Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…

Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH

You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch

My dad would be so mad if he knew how loud my tv is right now.

Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.

I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.

I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast

I told the baby to stop throwing her cup and she immediately grabbed it, took a long drink, threw it across the room and then looked me dead in the eye and said, “Uh oh.”

*walks into business conference*

*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*

*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*

ME: [holding up boombox outside your bedroom window] DO YOU HAVE FOUR D BATTERIES THAT I COULD BORROW

Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.

Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!