me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
Finally!
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*
GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*
BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
men what’s stopping you from looking like this
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
Got kicked out of the karaoke bar last night for getting 3 women pregnant when I sang Careless Whisper.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]