Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

*falls from grace*

PARKOUR!

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival

A random lady complimented me on my dress and said how lovely it looked on me

So I did what any reasonable person would do

Walked into a lamp post and fell over

Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.

Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a storm

No matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.

#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits

Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.

Coincidence?

going to bed

Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.

Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*

It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers

UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”

UK, 2020 –

Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years

Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:

Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.

Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.

Husband: How’s your diet going?

Me: *sucking the jelly out of a doughnut with a straw and putting it back in the box so no one knows I did it*

Great!

Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”

Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited

Obama: Joe

Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE

Wrapping gifts on the floor after 50: 1% holiday spirit, 99% figuring out how to stand up without calling for help.

Relationship status: my husband bought a ukulele

I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?

I remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. He shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Day 4 of quarantine: I’ve gained 796 pounds.