Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”

where’s Godzilla when we need him

Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

The Last Dance just keeps getting better

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Answering: How are you?

“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return

“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions

“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀

Me: I hurt my back really bad
Friend: How?
Me: I woke up

I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.

Wifey and I overheard our 3 y/o talking to himself saying who’s my favorite, mama or dada? So we waited in suspense and then he said his favorite is baby and his second favorite is woofy. I can’t even beat the dog that pisses on his carpet when it thunderstorms.

Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.

How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:

Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!

I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.

Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.

[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”

I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.

Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘mnemonic’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Memory Needs Every Method Of Nurturing Its Capacity

GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.

ANGEL: *sighs* Fine

GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month

Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?

Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company

“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*

People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”

BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.

{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor

Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?

[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home

Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room