Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.

I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.

DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?

ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?

As a kid I only had the box of 8, but now that I’m an adult I can afford to eat an entire 64-count box of crayons.

Chickens only make one sound, because they can’t think outside the bawks.

I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.

He’s awfully thin…

My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.

* scratches *

Damn.

Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..

Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

<—– gave a man a heart attack by admitting he was right

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.

I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.

Horrifying if literal: armchairs

[deserted island]

friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable

me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?

Yea. Me nether.

sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal

Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer

Cop: Please get out of the vehicle

you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.

10 signs that he’s just not that into you

1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.

Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?

Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now

“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”

*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*

I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.

Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!

Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.