ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
Editor: You wrote a play about Victorian England using menstrual blood as ink?
Me: Yes, it’s a period piece.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
Wow. It’s a good thing UPS hid this under the doormat for me so no one would steal it…
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
Caught a belt loop on a door handle and got yanked back with such force that my audio is no longer in sync with my actions.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.
Look, if Jesus had risen from the grave, it should’ve been how to tell us how to get boiled eggs peeled perfectly.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
When a cop opens the car door for you, promises you an overnighter and talks about bonding… you’re not on a date with him, you’re spending the night in jail.
I know this now.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
hate how quietly iphones die. at 5% it should start verbally begging for its life
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
