ME: Here she comes.
BRAIN: Great!
ME: Quick, what do I say?
BRAIN: Tell her she’s like a fine wine.
ME: Okay.“YOU’RE LIKE FINE WINE I’D LIKE TO PUT YOU IN A CONTAINER WITH A CORK IN YOUR MOUTH AND KEEP YOU ON A RACK IN MY CELLAR UNTIL I’M READY TO ENJOY YOU”
BRAIN: Excellent.
You Might Also Like
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
You get: 1 hour of extra sleep
You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm
I was offered a free apron once, but there were strings attached
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he’ll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
*seduces you by wearing a sundress
*ruins it by running in flip flops
Pro tip: Doing the worm into your bosses office makes him forget what he wanted to yell at you about
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!