ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
[me, explaining my weird bedroom TV setup to my date]
We can watch whatever you want as long as it’s YouTube, Netflix, or any of the Jason Bourne movies b/c those are the only DVDs I own.
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink
Soo… I guess when he asked for my number he didn’t mean how many lovers I’ve had?
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
People don’t really care who you are until you lick their face
And then he tweeted…..
“SEE YOU IN COURT”
After just LOSING IN COURT‼️
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
I see your baker’s dozen and raise you a mom’s dozen (11 because you ate one when the kids weren’t looking)
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
My daughter wrote a story at school about a sad cat that drinks cocktails so I should probably call her teacher