ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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Me: you want to end the date night with some bubbly?
Wife: sure
*I pour vinegar and baking soda into the volcano*
Wife: this is so romantic
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
Texting random numbers “It’s done.”
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Remember, kids: If a 200-year old vampire fucks a teenager, it’s “romantic,” but if a 45-year old Muppet fucks a teenager, it’s “creepy.”
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Me: That is a dank whale
Date: That’s a killer whale
Me: lmao no one says killer anymore, say sick or fierce
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
We have haunted loft which is problem attic.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!