ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
I hope they boil the right one.
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
“Strap in ladies, it’s going to be a bumpy ride,” I say as I put on my extra supportive sports bra before my workout.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Stop being racist to kettles.
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
