ME: Here, take my seat
EXECUTIONER: No thank you
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How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Friend: If you could have dinner with anyone alive or dead, who would you choose?
Me: Definitely an alive person
Friend:
Me: Better conversation
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
[family reunion]
Does this place have air conditioning because
[song ends, party becomes silent]
Grandma looks really hot
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[in the world of chess]
kings: here’s a sword
bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
beyoncé communicating with the dead is what i would call a seyoncé.
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are
If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.