Me: Here we stand before the ashes of sacrifice laid down by your ancestors.
Wife: Will you stop talking to the charcoal and clean the stupid grill
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Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You wont feel a thing”..
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Me: (exists)
Wasp: I have opinions about that
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
It is my birthday. 🥳
If you’re American, please vote
If you’re not American, marry me
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Me: we need to pick 9 up from school
4: we’ve picked him up a lot lately, let’s just leave him there today
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.
a haunted house, but every room is just learning more about Will & Jada.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
mom: please, please just go play with the other children
christopher robin: *googling how to order zoloft* I can’t the stuffed donkey I’m friends with is clinically depressed
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
