Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.

*slams table

WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG

“We ride at dawn”

Me headed to the grocery on Thanksgiving eve

[itsy bitsy spider diary]

Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.

Parents: Never talk to strangers!

Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.

Me: I’m going for a walk

Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?

Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk

Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?

Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can

I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.

In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.

CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.

me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees

Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.

In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”

yet another student using CatGPT to do their schoolwork

VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

Sheep

A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

If there’s something strange. In your neighborhood.

Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.

I’ll stop now.

Finally finished Oppenheimer. He liked zoning out, staring open-mouthed while thinking about floating dots. We all do, but I guess it’s what you do with it

Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”

– Chinese Checkers

Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.

Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”