Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit

Son: What is wrong with those people?

Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.

Our fifteen year old just spent most of dinner trying to explain to me why no one is really successful unless they are an “influencer” and then I strongly influenced him to go to bed.

How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?

Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend

Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?

Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.

Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.

If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up

I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.

After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.

fellas is it gay to work construction? u need me to clean up a shaft?? ur gonna dump ur load where??? what size nuts do i have?? daddy chill i’m just here to werk

My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.

I’m tired tomorrow.

I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.

Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision

are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies

Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…

Javascript is when your doctor writes you a prescription for more coffee. Everyone knows that.

Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.

Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?

A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above

When you can’t find your friend Neil

Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t

Dune (2021)

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

People who enjoy salt & vinegar chips are a sturdier breed, more prepared for life’s challenges

The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.

Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.