Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes

[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other

[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family

Studies show that men born between the 1st and the 31st day of the month are sexier than the others.

what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

i hate it when my pillow is not pillowing like it should. you have one job. be a pillow man. you are pillow. act like one ffs

the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.

So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”

…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.

I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.

Vulcans are space-elves.

Look at the ears.

OMG 🤣🤣

*sees lost cat*
Hey buddy you lost
*reads tag*
there’s a phone number
*dials number*
*little cell phone in cats pocket starts ringing*

Was excited about this gym membership I got for Christmas, but today I found out you’re not supposed to “just watch.”

I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn

Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.

If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now

Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth

[sees a guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
Me: dude that thing’s for bears

I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.

If you removed the wing from an Airbus A380 and put in next to Nelson’s Column, you’d cause havoc in central London, render a $445 million aircraft useless and spend considerable time in prison.

I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.

ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this

Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people

Midwife: Support his head