Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem

[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u again

DATE: That would be nice

ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her

Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days

Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*

Her: what’s this?

Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music

Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.

[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs

[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me

How to stop checking someone’s Facebook page:

1. Delete your Facebook profile
2. Break your phone
3. Give away your laptop
4. Die

I stepped on a plate of wet cat food this morning so no I don’t care about taking off my shoes at the airport

Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?

If I were a proctologist, you KNOW I would keep a pair of Hulk Hands in my exam room.

Sure I’ll donate my bone marrow, what are you making, broth?

When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.

None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.

[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*

Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?

MEDIA: These mysterious ruins may hold unknown secrets!

ARCHAEOLOGIST: We actually have a pretty decent idea wh-

M: Archaeologists are stumped!

A: No, we have a good amount of evi-

M: Was it even humans?

A: Yes. Yes it was.

M: Perhaps we’ll never know!

A: *screams*

Told my toddler today was Father’s Day and she said “you’re welcome” if you were wondering how the current batch of Generation Z is coming along.

Thinking about the time my ex got me an eyeshadow pallet that was labeled “great for green eyes” gentle reader I have blue eyes

I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.

WHAT????? IS HAPPENING WITH THESE NEW SPAM BOTS

As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.

So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

Wow planes really have bad luck on that day

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

[tv interview]
did you get upset?
“that *beep* lied to me, she can go *beep* herself”
don’t do that. just curse and we will add the beeps