me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
very niche meme I made
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
by this time next year, Ariana Grande’s eyelashes will be so long that male peacocks will challenge her for dominance
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
Yup.
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Sharks would be a lot less scary if they had ears.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT
[recovering from food poisoning]
Me: Finally feeling better
Leftovers in the fridge: You up?
Not now ex-boyfriend. Someone favorited 2 of my tweets. I’m a huge deal around there now & you lost your chance. Just kidding. What time?
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks