Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

okay so let’s say one hypothetically walked outside and a frog landed on their shoulder. when shall they expect the locusts and boils?

Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.

-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.

i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)

*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

a designated hitter in baseball is the one who has to hit for everyone in case the team is drunk

I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.

My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭

murderer: *stabbing me*

me: 🙂

murderer: doesn’t it hurt?

me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)

Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot

I can’t wait!

These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.

ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!

ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?

when someone messages me a minute after i login to work

No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.

Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas

Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill

Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.

vegan witches, happy halloween!

Everytime I see an odd screw on the floor somewhere I think one of my loose ones has finally come out.

Festival

Pretzel vendor: Pretzel, fair lady?

Me: No, thank you.

PV: *clutching chest dramatically* NO pretzel? You wound me! You break my heart, m’lady. I am shattered. I am IN DESPAIR!

Me: OMG stop that! Just give me the pretzel.

Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.

Did You Know?

Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.

public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win

Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs

According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.