Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.

Me before a guy comes over: I have to clean my entire home. Every room must be immaculate. Even the rooms we are unlikely to occupy need to be spotless

Guy: if I see so much as a speck of dust I will not have sex with this person

SUPERMAN: *putting on a bird costume with airplane wings* Now to really screw with them

Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.

I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.

Probably the worst thing you can do when your wife gives you a disapproving look from across the room for being on your phone is finish typing this.

this post was so formative to me

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

Siri: Retweet me.

Me: Alexa, why can’t I ever get a guy to stick around?

Alexa: *shows a montage of me staring at my phone since 2010.

I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”

I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.

My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom

Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones

Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT

My love language is hissing.

They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.

“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain

Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.

me: are you ready for halloween?

friend: yes!

me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic

friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*

Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.

I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.

Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.

[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts

Live by one rule: trust no one but yourself. But at the same time, can I borrow your car tomorrow night?

I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?

Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.