me: here’s an idea. a dishwasher that ‘beeps’ when it’s finished
CEO: yeah. like, twenty times
me: lmao two or three times is more than enou-
CEO: TWENTY TIMES
me: but-
CEO: T̶̨̮̲̱̎͐̾͒͑W̴̨̺̭͛͗͆̀E̸̦̾̇͗͝Ṅ̴̦̪̿̇T̸̩̫̐̾͒Y̷̨͇̯̞̌́́͌ ̵̧̜͚͛̕͘T̶̛̞͑̒͑̅Ḯ̵͚̆̕M̵̫̠͉̀Ë̸͔̝̬́̌̈͘S̶̝̘̓̽͒̒͑-
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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Me: Knowing everything we do about medcine and health, I cant believe people still smoke!!
Also me: Is four boxes of Swiss Cake Rolls enough for the weekend?
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
If zombies eat brains, 90% of Twitter is safe.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
I want to be the woman in the neighborhood rumored to be a witch that eats children.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
Halloween decorations are expensive. Ghosts will re-decorate your house for free 👻
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
“I gave your number to everyone on the playground so that their parents can call you for play dates whenever they want”
-my son casually threatening me as I tuck him into bed-
Hate when the person sitting next to me on the subway notices me shamelessly reading their texts and starts tilting it out of my view like c’mon lemme have a lil read it’s just me c’mon who am I gonna tell it’s only me
do you guys realize there’s a planet in our solar system entirely inhabited by robots
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
