Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.

[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.

I need to get some bricks…

The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Me: I want ice cr-

Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy

Cop: You been drinking?

Me: No.

Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.

Me: Alphabet the.

Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.

Me: Each letter.

got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity

I’m equally comfortable holding a guitar as I am holding a baby, I just hold them both by the neck

Me: I love Bowl Season

Them: yeah, football every day for a month!

Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?

Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.

Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.

M:

H: Please leave Home Depot.

Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?

[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.

If you are going to call something super, it better have a cape. I’m looking at you, tampons.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.

me: wheres the 13th floor?

builder: we skip it in all our buildings

me: what why

builder:

me:

builder: *embarrassed* too spooky

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

Don’t ask too many questions here. Curiosity kills the chat.

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.