Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
me: you opened it in Word didn’t you
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
Don’t take this the wrong way, but you’re all horrible sinners and you’re going to hell.
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
H: Is there anything new you want to try in bed?
M: Actually…
*stretches out alone in bed, sleeps for 8 hours*
M: That was amazing.
Make it a habit to cry and act unhinged at meetings so you’re never invited back
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
doctor: jogging will extend your life
me: thanks for the warning
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Dating me is like a walk in the park – Jurassic Park.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
{swallowed by a whale}
Me: gross. It’s so-
Whale: don’t you say it
Me: MOIST. I said it’s MOIST in YOUR MOUTH!!!
Whale: *throws me up*