Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
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How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
I can’t stop laughing 🤣
the worm is coming from inside the brain
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
I’m not afraid to say it, I’m against problems.
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
How do I answer the question “do you react well to anesthesia?” if I’m not allergic & I wake up fine but also when I had a colonoscopy I told the doctor he looked like a sexy Aladdin & when my gallbladder was removed I started singing “Smoke on the Water” to the scrub nurse?
Video games gave me very unrealistic expectations of the healing properties of rotisserie chicken.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
“Red Hot Riding Hood” (1943)
A sequence so famous (or infamous, if you’re the censors) that it’s been replicated, homaged or outright ripped off in countless pieces of animation. The reaction shots of the Wolf are still as funny as they were 80 years ago.
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Football Team: Huddle up!
Me: Mm, this is nice
FT: Who are you
Me: So warm, so snug
FT: Break. Break now!
Me: Don’t go nice man-castle
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
The Kool-aid Man: [down on his luck] screw it, I’m going to become a swear jar
Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.