ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
What’s that movie about the girl who forgets Adam Sandler every day? I want to know her secret
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
That’s weird, my waitress stopped flirting after I paid the bill…
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
At my job interview today the Boss said,
“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”
So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing