ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
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“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
i hope my email finds you on fire
If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.
Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Like an alarm clock but it’s your toddler standing next to your bed with a mascara wand whispering “I make you beautiful”.
It’s almost as if my husband actually believes I’m saving us money when I say “I got it on sale.”
El Chapo is a murderous Mexican drug lord. El Chapo Supreme is a murderous Mexican drug lord with sour cream, lettuce and tomato.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
my therapist: you aren’t the problem, everyone else is
me: oh wow, i’ve fooled you too
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Why are these idiots only giving robots two arms?
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
The bruises on my arms? They are definitely NOT from getting my arms stuck in the UPS drop box.
When a woman texts you three questions you should only answer one. She will love that.
If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
I love the smell of relapse in the morning