me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
The gym I never go to closed, so now I’ll have to not go to a different one.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Current anger level: I am last-beer-in-the-fridge-turns-out-to-be-a-soy-sauce-bottle angry.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
[driving test]
me: did I pass?driving instructor, on Zoom: I literally have no idea, this isn’t legal
I’ll only give a restaurant a 5 star review if the couple at the next table are breaking up.
Me: Hey, do you want to –
My 13 Year Old: No.
waitress: are there any allergies at this table?
me, already drunk: POLLEN
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
finish your salad. a thousand islands died to make that dressing.
If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
When you wish upon a star your feet burst into flame and you realize it was a dumb place to stand.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.