Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Capitalist: Hi

Anti-Capitalist: hi

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?

Me: how about a dog

Clown: one dog coming up

Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!

Clown: *stops twisting*

Me: ok a sword I guess

I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…

Customer service stopped recording my calls for training purposes. There’s nothing to be learned from that much profanity.

I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.

Every
Single
Year

Just read the Ten Commandments for the first time and you can’t do shit with your neighbor

Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks

If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold

Mr. Peanut’s funeral will be open-casket in a sense. His coffin is ajar.

Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?

[tree falls in forest]

[doesnt make a sound]

GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—

TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh

The worst design flaw of the human body is your asshole being able to perceive spicy.

“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”

– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing

A joke is only funny if both of you are laughing.
*and other lies we tell our kids

Guy: I’m an organist

Me: what you got against organs?

Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.

New mom: any advice?

Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps

Mom 2: eat when the baby eats

Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email

I was at the Doctors office and he said the nurse was coming to give me a shot. I said, ” can my day get any worse?” Dr said to relax and as he walked out he said, ” and prostate exam today too’

I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch

I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t

whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it

It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.

It’s just a hobby.

I love hard, but I stupid harder.

My boss: make sure you clear out your emails before going on vacation.

Me: *select all, delete*

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator

Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another

[cabin rentals]

DESK CLERK: You want cabin #5 or #6?
ME: What’s the difference?
DESK CLERK: Mostly just the names.
ME: What’s #5 called?
DESK CLERK: “Eden in the Woods.”
ME: And, #6?
DESK CLERK: “The Bear’s Lunchbox.”
ME: I think #5.
DESK CLERK: Smart choice.