Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
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My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
Thanks to this HUGE spider web I just walked into we can now add the neighbors to the list of people that have seen me naked
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
Geese and swans mate for life. And that explains why it’s very common for geese and swans to fly into jet engines.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.