Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

33, Male, Jerusalem. You?

me: why can’t I crack this egg open

wife: because it’s a lemon

me: first my car and now this

#JohnTravolta

if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

ONLY Justin Bieber could make doing drugs look not cool…

They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.

Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying

And I can cry without chopping an onion

Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.

which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills

Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.

911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”

🛁

If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.

[FIRST DATE]

ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.

I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!

ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.

EXCALIBUR: Ok

JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.

ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.

You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?

*slowly scrapes mine off*

Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.

Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.

We were frantic.

Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.

Mom, can you take us to the maul?

-teen bears, probably

Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.

Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking

My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.

Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”

Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.