Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.

Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…

Me: algebra is a scam lmao
[years later]
St. Peter: solve this equation if you want to enter heaven
Me: oh no

dark side of the loom

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: no, not really-

ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice

Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club

Guy: The meeting was yesterday

Me: I know

Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good

Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.

Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool

[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*

me: what is it boy?

my stomach: brrrggfkppr

me: you need food? vitamins and minerals? protein? fiber?

my stomach: hrrrbbb

me: would you settle for 89 potato chips?

When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been

I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.

That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material

I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.

HEY! WE DON’T THROW DIRTY UNDERWEAR AT OUR SISTERS OR STAB PEOPLE WITH KNIVES

Is….Is this an option?

My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage

He’s a 10 but so is his volume.

People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.

Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be

if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off

In fifth grade, we were supposed to write a story about an antihero but I was only half-listening so I wrote a 6 page story about an ant who helped people quit smoking and my teacher sent me to the school psychologist.

“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults

My kids as adults explaining my disappearance: 20 years ago she said if we didn’t hurry up she’d leave without us, & we never saw her again.

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.