Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
*high fives my therapist*
“At least you tried.”
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Me to my sister who just gave birth & is recovering from a c-section: “ok so it didn’t really begin to spin out of control until AP published a story saying he did NOT have sex with a couch”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
My daughter wants to study burrowing rodents. I told her to gopher it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
Her: I like a guy who’s mechanically inclined
Me: *tilts my chair back all the way*
Her: no, I mean good with cars
Me: *hits play on the movie Cars*
Every time someone blocks you, you should lose a letter.
“Hlp! Whts hppnng? cn’t wrt nthng!”
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
2015: This is our son, Aiden.
2016: This is our son, Lemonaiden.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
