Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Literally all I do as a librarian:
It’s asking for your password.
No, your password.
Not your library card.
Just type your password.
Not in the browser address bar.
Your password.
Your password.
No, I don’t know your password.
You’re right it’s probably our computer’s fault.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Of course, because I’m wearing a white shirt, my coffee chose violence.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
WAITER: you can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: [leaning in] the 5 potato options please
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
Whenever I meet one of my 15 y/o’s bf’s, I always ask “Have you ever taken karate?”. “No sir”. “Well u fuckin better” !
Good parenting 101
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
In the ranking of country’s that drinks the most America is only #4. We need to fix this. Someone fix me a drink and help get us to #1.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I don’t know why guys love anal. My ass is an exit only. Unless I’m drunk. Or he’s rich. Or cute. Or has all his teeth.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
