Me: He’s crowning!
King Charles: please don’t say it like that.
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You’re like a semicolon. I’m not sure exactly what to do with you.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
humans can accomplish so much, unless it’s parking at a shopping center during the holidays
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Jesus steals the winter solstice
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
If you’re looking for a good place to buy a Blackberry, I’d suggest 2006.
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
A spider crawled across my leg while I was driving and of course that fucker survived the crash.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I bet it’ll be frustrating when we get abducted by aliens and forced into their weird zoo to do human things. An alien kid will throw food at us and shout, “Do a war crime!” Listen, buddy, that’s not how it works.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?