Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]

me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture

Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.

Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.

WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat

[robber pulls gun]

ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child

MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother

Willem Dafoe gets to be in two different Nosferatu movies, whereas the average person doesn’t even get to be in one

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew

MORTICIAN: you’re so fired

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶

Me: “And a million dollars.”

Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶

Me: “Agree to disagree.”

her: I named my baby Susan

me: boring

her: she’s a puppy

me: omg I love it

During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars

[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”

me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend

Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

Me: I hate drama.

Also me: Reads all 258 comments on a heated Facebook post thread that is 100 percent not my business.

Nice try, poison.

“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to

If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg

[first day as a preschool teacher]

ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*

Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

I always hold the door for ladies, but they never seem to get in the car when I do that.

My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”

I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.

I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”

Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!

my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades

Happy birthday to actor Sam Elliot, who turns 80 today, and to his mustache, who turns 79.

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.