Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How many situps do I have to do before I get a 6 pack? Please say 5.

[steps on scale]

Me *shrugs*: New year, more me

girl: i love philosophy

me: who is ur favorite philosopher

girl: Hume

me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher

Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?

Me: *making table side guacamole*

Priest: Please get off the altar

How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

“It rubs the lotion on the skin so it can get the hose again.”

I say to my kids, slathering them in sunscreen before going in the sprinkler

Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.

Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?

Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?

Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…

Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.

Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.

STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business

If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.

Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible

Me: Okay do a kickflip

Jodie: What

Me: Do a double kickflip right now

Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?

Tammy is short for Tamuel

If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.

Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then

Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

In the 70s they recommended drinking one full size waterbed a day.

If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.

HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK

Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.

No wonder we all hate him.

I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.

My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.

santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade