Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

🤭

Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw

him: I wish you’d talk more during sex.
me: Okay.

[during sex]
me: cats have 32 muscles in each ear
him: please don’t speak

Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.

I got flipped off three times by the same woman during rush hour today. I’m never driving my wife to work again.

My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.

Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.

I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.

We buried my grandmother, yesterday.

She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.

So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?

ANT: hey did you find any food to bring back to the queen?

SUPER FAT ANT: the who?

There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.

Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?

Me: one’s for you

Him: and the other one?

Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.

Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁

My body is filled with a lot of blood!

A friend sent me this and now I can’t think of anything else

Adhd brain is amusing.

I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.

10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.

Me: It’s 6 am.

My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home

SON: Dad, can you call me an uber?

ME: You’re an uber!

SON: No, with your phone

ME: Oh, sorry [types]

SON: [gets text] “You’re an uber!”

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

“There’s a clown hanging over you.”

“You mean cloud.”

“I wish I did.”

“Dammit.”

ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house

Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

The French word for sex is croissant.

fun fact: nike is short for nichael

I’m not feeling myself today…

…would YOU do it for me?

Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.