Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*at July 4th cookout*
3: Mommy, where is America? Why isn’t she at her birthday party?
Me: [explains the concept of a country]
3:
3: So where is she? Does America have legs?
Me:
Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
Difference between GPT-4o and o1. 😁
[end of long conversation]
HER: let me give you my number
ME: great! [forgot name] how do you spell your name?
HER:
ME:
HER: k-i-m
ME:
Potty training the baby is backfiring. Now she waits by the door when I use the bathroom and as soon as she hears the toilet flush, she yells, “Good girl!!”
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
