Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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Flowers for Valentine’s Day are cool…but what she really needs is windshield wiper fluid.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for breakfast.
*decides to open Twitter
Maybe I’ll make pancakes for dinner.
“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
Watching Mad Men with my girlfriend and trying to distract her every time Don Draper is on screen
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
Coffee is ready.
TSA Officer: Ma’am, you can’t go through security with that much liquid
Me: But I couldn’t find a bathroom
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Using advanced AI technology, Blast Zone has been able to predict what Young Sheldon, from the TV show Young Sheldon, will look like as an adult
