Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
I was getting my mail today and my neighbor asked me if I was gay and I was like “what?” He said he was only asking because of my rainbow lanyard and I was like “oh no it’s much weirder than that.”
I’ve never made it longer than 7 hours into a diet before my inner fat girl ate her way out.
2/14/16 — The Day I Got Owned Online By 1-800-Flowers
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
My boss said to me,
“Why do you come out in a rash every time I give you your wages?”
I said, “It’s because I’m allergic to fcuking peanuts!”
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
Just organising my finances.
They’re the worst 😩
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
Show me a better name for a sugar company.
I wish there was something called the pizza/enchilada/beer diet where you lost weight. Cause I’m on it and that’s not what’s happening.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
