@RodLacroix

Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE

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@ShortSleeveSuit

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

@jobrowneyes

*Arrives in Hell*

Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math

@Pulse_NYC

“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”

~ Snowmen.

@Celestinelea90

My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.

@SlothSlouch

My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”