Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls
Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but raccoons are terrible in bed.
My heart says cheese dip but my jeans say for the love of god woman eat some celery.
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
My murder mystery parties have been getting glowing reviews such as “horrifying”, “is that real blood?”, “oh my God he’s really dead” and “we’re never getting out of here alive”
do horses think humans are hats