Me: Hey Alexa-
Alexa: OMG WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
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A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
It’s always fun when a man catches feels, gets scared, and projects his fear of commitment onto you:
Him: I’m not into love or dating. I like to be free. This was a one time thing, understand?
Me: Cool, can I have my pizza now, or would that be crossing a line
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
Trolling my FB friends by commenting “Looking good ;)” on solo pics of their husbands
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Them: Hey girl what’s your sign
Me: McDonalds Open 24 hours
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
Oh no
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
My family has been giving each other the same eight gift bags since 1973.
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
You wanna know how to be a great aunt? Give nice or nephew a set of bagpipes for their Birthday. Their mother will love you for that.
-Me giving family advice
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.