ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
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Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
If she pulls back her hair in a ponytail without breaking eye contact you’re about to either have a good time or be murdered. Embrace the mystery, champ
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
I’ve been lied to my entire life
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
I don’t understand interventions. What’s the point of being told u drink too much by a room full of the reasons u drink in the first place?
What Kermit (the frog) is called in different countries:
10. Kermit (Denmark)
9. Kermit (France)
8. Kermit (Japan)
7. Kermit (Slovakia)
6. Kermit (Italy)
5. Kermit (Canada)
4. Kermit (Iceland)
3. Kermit (the Netherlands)
2. Kermit (Poland)
1. Gustavo (Spain)
wife: what’s the house of your dreams?
me: fireplace in each room. and there’s a bear walking around and it only speaks spanish. also the floor is quicksand.
wife:
me:
wife:
me: oh you mean like a house i wish we lived in.
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
Auto correct changed “group hug” to “grope hug” and I’m not in charge of the team-building exercises any more.
Remember during the pandemic when we all put aside our differences, realized we were united under one common goal and, together, made the world’s most delicious cheeseburger?
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
fedex driver: can i get a name?
sauron: i have many names
fedex driver: ok i just need one tho