ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
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i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
Lay with me until everything crumbles and nothing but creeping ivy shields us from the incessant chatter of wandering cadavers. Bring snacks
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
When he asks for feet pics
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
I startled a mom and her kids in the Back To School aisle today at work.
I came around the corner and yelled SUPPLIES!
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
be aware when you do a search and replace in your script to change someone’s name from Chris to Ryan that suddenly your characters are going to be talking a lot about the upcoming Ryantmas season
I’m writing a book of obitchuaries for all the people who are dead to me